It’s still surreal to think that he’s been gone for over 4 years now (here’s the tribute I wrote to him in my column back in 2016); the truth is, I think of him less as my life without him has normalised over the years. In fact, some days, when he springs to mind, I still have a moment of shock realising that he’s no longer here.
Tai Che (far right) dug out and posted this photo today in memory of dad. It’s the family in winter of 1995 visiting Windsor Castle, our family’s first long-haul trip together.
Today was especially difficult because I’ve spent the past few days wondering what he would make of the world today. My dad has always been my intellectual hero, and so much of lessons I’ve learned in life was due to conversations we’ve had and us bouncing things off each other (to my mum, it often sounds like we’re arguing!).
What would he have said to help me make sense of everything that’s currently going on?
The result was that I wasn’t as productive as I’d hope to be over the weekend – alright, fine, I completely failed to find any motivation – partially because my brain and body just shut down from all the anxieties and stress over the past few weeks. Truth is, the whole weekend was a blur.
This weekend was also the birthday of my brother-in-law Rizal and my Tai Che (eldest sister), so I think missing my family, and worrying about them, also contributed to my body just shutting down.
But I got back up and running today, so hopefully a more productive week ahead for me.
A post that was circulating across the the various internet platforms.
Blimey, that was emotional. I had set my alarm for 7.55pm, and stood by my window a bit hesitant, not knowing if I was going to be the only person clapping. But just as it was coming up to 8pm, I heard the first claps come down my street, and then more and more joined in. It was beautiful.
I also live across from a pub, and the people who live there were out at the front with their kids who were really clapping really loud. You could see from the sound they made that other people were coming to their windows and joining in.
Many thanks to whoever came out with this idea – presumably those behind this site – and I hope that many of the people at the front-lines in the NHS, and also so many other key workers who are putting themselves out there on our behalf, down my street heard it. My friend Gareth, who lives just down the road, said that one of his neighbours works in the NHS. I hope they heard the loud appreciation from us – it’s all we can do in this helpless of times.
Personally, I salute them all.
I was a bit pleased with myself today for having a day where I didn’t feel emotional (it’s been going up and down every few minutes for the past couple of weeks) but this got to me. Oh well, it’s a good emotion at least.
I was actually going to sit down and blog about something else today – this has become a bit of a routine for me ending my work day with dinner and then blogging before some trashy TV to zone out – but I wanted to capture the fullness of my heart.
If you want to see how people on other streets participated – my WhatsApp is going off right now with messages from friends and colleagues reporting back – then do a search on your platform of choice for the #clapforourcarers hashtag for some really heartwarming videos there, such as this one.
Meanwhile, I’ve been enjoying using this blog as therapy so much (and rediscovering my love for crafting out my writing) that I’m going to resurrect my The NC Irregularly project – an irregular “letter” from me in your inbox. Click here to subscribe to it. First letter out on Monday (thereabouts, it’s irregular after all!).
I woke up this morning to news reports (and WhatsApp messages) about the extension of the Movement Control Order in Malaysia for an additional two weeks. It was originally meant to end on March 31. Thinking about it reminded me of this video that my friend Jason – you might remember him as the prolific food blogger of the past JasonMumbles – had sent to me over the weekend that he took while out getting some essentials.
Video credit: Jason Lioh
This video really got to me – I’ve been an emotional wreck the past few weeks anyway – because it was so strange to see the Bangsar I knew and loved look this way so early in the evening. It’s not completely unfamiliar; that’s how it looks like in the middle of the night when I used to head home after being out late with friends. But those days are far behind me.
But I think why it was so shocking is that this is a far cry from the vibrant and buzzing Bangsar that I grew up in. On top of that, it also brought home the reality of what is going on in Malaysia (and the rest of the world now) considering that it is where my mother still lives. Ee che – what I call my second sister – who until a few days ago was stuck with her family abroad due to flight cancellations and shut downs, live nearby too.
That little bubble called Bangsar is where I’ve always felt most familiar, comfortable and safe.
So, I thought I’d dig out some of my former articles in my The Bangsar Boy column about the neighbourhood for those of you who want to reminiscence along with me about how things were before, or those of you who might be wondering what the hell is this Bangsar thing!
Or if you prefer something more visual, here is a video of the Bangsar I remember (except that it usually has less of me in it, especially over the last few years!). This was a trailer my friend Yuen directed to promote my book in 2017.
Not many can say they didn’t see it coming but just about an hour ago, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson went on national television with one simple instruction:
You must stay at home.
Boris Johnson
As of tonight, like in many other parts of the world currently, people are not allowed to leave their homes. The Prime Minister offered four exceptions: essentials (but with a plea to get things delivered or stretched out as much as possible), medical need or to care for vulnerable persons, work that cannot be done at home and one form of exercise a day.
At this point, it seems like the restrictions in the UK and Malaysia are almost on par which will hopefully ease a little this bit of dissonance in my head trying to keep up with different policies, as I blogged about yesterday. The difference is that in Malaysia, you’re not allowed to go out even for exercise although I’ve been seeing posts of friends on social media ‘creatively’ navigating that.
I won’t be surprised if the UK follows suit soon – even with advice to spend as much time indoors as possible, the nature reserve walk I did with my friends yesterday was too busy for our liking and we said we’d have to look for an alternative option. Not anymore, I suppose, at least for now.
What has been fascinating for me however is observing reaction on Twitter from some people I know lamenting (I’m being generous here with this choice of term – some of them are livid) that the UK is now essentially a police state. There are obviously a lot of disagreements; many are responding to them saying that these are unusual times and surely that these are necessary measures.
It did make me wonder about my reaction to this news, and how I’ve been anticipating it. I wonder if it’s because I have a very different relationship with freedom and individualism as some of my friends, in that I grew up in what was essentially a quasi-democractic state and as such, I’m more used to restrictions being imposed on me. Something to talk to the therapist about!
In any case, Boris’ choice of words were interesting to me because they made me think of the call by Malaysian Prime Minister Muhyiddin Yassin a couple of days after the announcement of the Movement Control Order, when he told people to “duduklah diam-diam di rumah” (sit quietly at home). I thought the use of the “lah” made his call less stern, and the whole “diam-diam” bit evoked memories of primary school teachers chastising their students for talking in class.
Naturally, that line made its rounds on Twitterjaya as part of many jokes. But the message was clear: people are not following the rules. People I know in Malaysia have been very vocal about abusing and shaming others who are still out frolicking and gallivanting at the expense of others.
The number of people who didn’t seem to care was so significant that healthcare workers started sharing pictures on Instagram of themselves holding signs which read: “I stay here for you. You stay home for us.” As usual, many Malaysians were also quick to use the common refrain: Only in Malaysia! to refer to people who just didn’t want to follow instructions that could save their lives and that of other peoples.
Well, if the latest restrictions in the UK are anything to go by, the Brits (and those who live here) aren’t much better either. I mean, if even Piers Morgan thinks you should stay home then … #awkward
The Guardian today ran a response to someone who asked: “Is it okay to shout at strangers who aren’t social distancing?” Then there are the Italians too. And Canada. A clearly upset Prime Minister Justin Trudeau today, in a much more forceful tone than Boris or Muhyiddin, said:
Enough is enough. Go home, and stay home!
Justin Trudeau
If that’s not firm enough for some people, I hope this guy (supposedly a mayor in Italy) convinces you:
I took the picture above when I went out for a walk this afternoon with my friends Rob and Lauren. I had messaged them yesterday asking if they might be up for a ‘social-distancing’ walk at the nature reserve which is within walking distance to both our homes. It was a chance to get out for a bit of fresh air and some exercise while we all practice our self-isolation.
In the UK, there is no restrictions yet on our movements. People are encouraged to stay home and head out only if they really need to be (get essentials, front-line and key workers etc.). It’s probably one of the most lenient approaches in terms of regulating movement in the major European countries. In fact, it was only as of yesterday that pubs, restaurants and gyms were closed (midnight Friday, to be exact).
As I started walking over to meet my friends, I remember feeling a bit awkward and uncomfortable. Or perhaps naughty is a more appropriate term. It’s almost like when I was grounded by my parents as punishment as a kid, but found loopholes around it because they weren’t home watching me.
I had to shake that feeling off – eventually I really enjoyed that walk – by reminding myself that the UK is not in any form of lock-down. Whether or not the guidance by the government is the right one will remain to be seen, but as it stands, the science as I understand it is that going outdoors for some exercise is fine as long as you keep your distance from others.
The reason why I had this internal conflict really is because I’m starting to get my news about what is allowed (and happening) around the world mixed up. Obviously, I’ve been monitoring the Malaysian situation closely, if for no other reasons than the fact that my mum and the rest of the family are all there. But as a news junkie, I’ve read easily hundreds of articles about how different countries around the world are responding to the pandemic.
This negative feeling in my gut really I feel is the result of the anxieties I’ve had the past couple of weeks trying to advise my mum, and the people around her, to be really cautious about their routines. Then of course, the two-week movement restriction order by the Malaysian government (personally don’t think it’s wise to have put a time limit on this) came into force, and my frustration at the inability of so many Malaysians to follow that order.
I’ve spoken to so many friends and family members in Malaysia (and on the radio) about the movement control restrictions that I felt it also applied to me. But this is where the danger in, especially with the abundance of information and knowledge available out there. It is so easy to remove ourselves from contexts that do not apply to us. The repetitive nature of news, social media information and conversation topics often drills things into your mind.
Moving forward, I need to be careful now especially as more and more reports come in from around the world. Already, in some countries like the US, different states are going about things differently so we can’t even refer to the American response as a collective. Add to the fact that the situation is so fluid that even in a country like the UK, or Malaysia, policies, advice and regulation are changing by the day – if not hours – that it’s so easy to be relying on outdated information.
For me, I think I’ll just need to be a bit more aware of my thinking and emotions, and stay alert for any potential changes. How about you? Are you feeling as overwhelmed by all the information and getting your wires mixed up sometimes like me too?
It’s been three years since my The Bangsar Boy column ended, and other than the occasional rant on social media, I haven’t really taken to doing much of this kind of writing.
But I am currently self-isolating in response to the Covid-19 pandemic – it’s so weird talking about something the whole world knows about that it doesn’t need explaining – and there are a lot of things going through my mind.
Don’t get me wrong … I am not short of things to do. I have so many deadlines and work owing to friends and colleagues (including an attempt to shift to online learning from Monday next week at the university I teach at) but the truth is, I’ve really been struggling over the past couple of weeks.
This week alone has been all about trying to adapt to working from home. I had to go on to campus on Monday because I had office hours to see my students. After I left uni, we started getting communication from the school and department I teach for that all face-to-face meetings would be cancelled and we should start doing things virtually instead. So, on Tuesday, my friend Rob and I went back in to grab all our things from the office to set up shop at home.
Except that it hasn’t been easy. Work wise, I tend to function best in the late afternoon and evenings. However, I’ve spent the months following my the completion of my PhD trying to build a more practical pattern to accommodate my need to sleep better. The past few years had wrecked my body and I’ve been feeling so much better with the adjustment. This week, all the old habits are returning and my sleep has been badly affected.
So today, I decided to hit the reset button. I woke up, had breakfast and spent the morning and early afternoon deep cleaning my flat. It was way overdue in terms of dustiness, but more importantly, I arranged all the things I brought home and made space to properly work from today on.
This post – and my attempt to start blogging again – is almost a bookmark for this moment, as we navigate the strange days of self-isolation and uncertainties that lie ahead. I actually had this blog set up a long time ago, but I just never did anything with it.
But I have been thinking that I should start writing a little bit to document these abnormal times after my friend Chris – a historian – posted on his Facebook to ask people to start journaling their experiences living in self-isolation or quarantine.
I cannot tell you how fascinating these sorts of documents are to future historians. Almost anything you observe or feel will be interesting in some way to some person in 25, 50, or 100+ years time. They’re so delightfully idiosyncratic, so intimate, so visceral.
Dr. Chris Parkes
Also, seeing how my personal mental health has been taking a beating due to events triggered by this pandemic (I wrote a post on Facebook a few days ago sharing some of the things I’m doing to cope better), writing – the one thing I love to do so much – might serve as therapy too.
I don’t know how regularly I’ll update, and if it’ll just be journaling or include some of the types of social commentary The Bangsar Boy used to write. Like everything else that’s happening in the world currently, it’ll be very fluid and instinctive.
That said, I’m keen on hearing from you so please share some of your feelings too in the comments as we navigate these crazy times together.
